so... i heard today that you're a little stronger in the broken places....
i feel that.
you just gotta make sure you give yourself enough time to heal.
and that you heal up real good. your cast, your splint, gotta be firm. use shea butter for the scars and read when you're resting.
yesterday was a stuffy congested headache kind of day. I am trying to feel better and get well. Patience will be just as good as orange juice, ginger and tea....
So the moon cycle has begun and wow... how the emotions just click on and off just so!? First I was having early morning dreams about conversations that were just taking me to some other place emotionally and then I woke up trying to compose myself. You know I really need these hormones to give me a break.
This was what was on my mind...
Why do we want people to love us in a certain way? Why do we believe it reflects so much about our character, ability or purpose? Why does it seem so elusive? And why pray tell am I always thinking about it! LOL...
Seriously I really need to figure this thing out ( who hasn't tried right?) Well anyway... I mean if love does exist and is manifested in all forms of the universal cypher my love and the love of so many folks in my life should be making me feel pretty good right about now.
But what's with the craving? What's with the hunger, the need, the feeling .... is it dopamine I want? Do I just need to get some shots! I'm playing but for real is it just a chemical dependency when the person I would project this romantic type of love upon isn't present.
I don't know what's up. I just feel curious and curiouser ( hehehe) about why I am FEELING all the damn time. And a lot of that feeling is wanting to be cuddled up and loved on and talked sweet too. Maybe I don't have enough lovey dovey ways of being that are independent of anyone else.
I wonder as I begin my next cleanse cycle if I should take a fast as well from that yearning feeling. Perhaps I should critically examine self love and fulfillment. What does it mean?
I learned a lot last year during my cleanse about hunger.
We have addictions to food, and we have addictions to emotions. I am going to admit that I am an addict and I am continously working on my recovery. We have learned to depend on the feelings that these things provide to us for survival.
I want to live. I really really really do, deep deep deep deep down in my soul I shout it everyday even when it only comes out as a whisper... so this is me - bare and honest taking a step in that direction.
To life. To independence. To universal, unconditional love and happiness.
yours,
B.
First off the goal is to be Free as All Get Out! I just gotta express myself. Feel myself and love what the experiences are.
I feel like I miss you. I think of you often and wonder if what we share is/was real.
The question I had today was.... What if you fall madly in love? Will you still want to share energy with me? Dance with me? It is so powerful and intriguing, I wonder if you feel the same way about it. I wonder if I am imagining things. Is it just how I feel? It was so healing for me. It still is so healing for me.
So much gratitude for the universe, for your smile, for my heart opening so wide always more and more. To learn, to grow, to be nourished.
There is so much more that I would like to know, see, feel, express and manifest. I think it's ok for me to feel this way. I am alive! I am alive! I am alive and love, life and light is so real.
I explored the passsion in my possibilities! I will continue to walk on....
I appreciate the experience. I appreciate the love being shared with me from all the people in my life.
A domani,
Bekezela
today's meditation comes from the place inside me that wants to practive forgiveness of self and self love.
"i forgive myself for the insecurities of yesterday and welcome the new freedom of today. "
Joi - Ghetto Superstar
Popcaan - gangster city
The Gestalt Prayer -
I do my thing and you do your thing.
I am not in this world to live up to your expectations,
And you are not in this world to live up to mine.
You are you, and I am I, and if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful.
If not, it can't be helped.
Where do I see myself ten years from now?
To be completely honest I don't know, but I would like to begin thinking about who I would like to become, the qualities that I would like to possess and the type of environment I would like to live in, and some of things that I would like to be able to say I have experienced and done in my life.
Sometimes I feel confused and even frustrated with myself for not knowing how I feel about so many different things. I realize that sometimes its youth and not having had enough experience to stand on my own proof to make a decision. Sometimes its insecurity and fear, and other times its just waiting for more information and guidance to help me get to the decision I need to make.
Anyway perhaps my thoughts seem scattered but I realize that there are parts of my life that I spend a lot of time thinking about what other people will think about what I do and who I am. I spent so much time being an outcast and internalizing it that I have a chip on my shoulder that says... people are going to judge you so you should stay as composed as you can. Don't do anything that would open you up to judgment. Don't sing, don't read poems, don't dance, don't try to tell stories, don't look like this, don't look like that, be loud, be quiet, be something other than who you are because folks will judge, they will not like and they will not embrace you.
I want to peace and love. Who doesn't? I have begun working on these feelings over the last few years but every so often I'm reminded of how small I can try to make myself seem to hide shame, regret, insecurity. I want to wash my hands, my face, my soul clean. I want to learn about transformative love.
I want to know myself as a whole person. I want to become who I am destined to be. I want to share myself with authenticity and love. I really want to be able to connect to people more. I feel isolated sometimes by the walls I have put in place to protect myself...
I felt a tidal wave of emotions last night and this morning. How can I celebrate myself and lift your name and light? How can I let you see me? How can I be my most powerful and blissful self?
Yesterday was my great-grandmother's birthday she would have been 99. I will never forget the impact she has had on my life. In shaping who I am and the spirit she has passed on through me.
I miss her and love her. I wish that I could talk to her. I wish I could get to know her again and again, more and more.
I wonder if she knows me as I am now. I can only pray that she does and still has the love for me that she did.
one day,
when you're out there living ,
you'll meet someone that will blow you away.
so figure something out figure something out soon.
i promise you girl
one day that's what its going to feel like and you
wont feel like this anymore.
Today I am reminded that faith is not something you pick up for hard times and drop when you're feeling alright. Faith should be my way. It is moving in the world knowing that I am guided and protected. That what will come, will come and what is real will be revealed.
Unraveling the desire to control so much that I am powerless over is liberating and learning to control my thoughts, words and actions is strengthening.
I have to let go. Even if I act, I have to let go because I can only do so much. I have to keep praying, believing and being open to truth. Love is above all and I am so grateful to be willing to move with a faithful loving spirit.
Ashe to my ancestors, to my people, to my mother and father, to all who pour love into me so I may overflow.
Peace,
Bekezela
"I would hurl words into this darkness and wait for an echo, and if an echo sounded, no matter how faintly, I would send other words to tell, to march, to fight, to create a sense of hunger for life that gnaws in us all." - Richard Wright.
"Sickness is a self-correcting, cybernetic feedback mechanism, to allow you to get on the path of bliss, happiness, and the spontaneous fulfillment of all your desires." - Tibetan insight.
Greetings friends in the universe. I'm so grateful to be here today. I've been having a very interesting and power-filled week. I have a small cold and I am a little more tired that I can account for. I feel good though. This morning I was very emotional but I worked my way through it to feeling peaceful about the day and regaining a grounded outlook for the time and space ahead.
I am on the 8th day of the Master Cleanse ( WOO-HOOO!!!) and I am very proud of myself for staying committed to the process of this cleanse. I thought I was just going to be celebrating cutting meat out of my diet but I decided to do this to really put myself to work. The last two days have been emotionally challenging and I've learned that as much as you have physical hunger pangs, you can also have emotional hunger pangs.
The first two days of the cleanse were incredibly insightful I learned things about myself and my relationship to food and personal relationships that I frankly just did not know and had not taken the time to observe and name before.
I felt great most of the day and my ability to smell food was so high and sensitive ( it's become even more so now). When I came home on the first day I was so hyper and I was talking to a friend about music mixes she'd sent me and then after talking about something slightly triggering I decided to get off the telephone. The discomfort grew and straight up - I felt like I had an mini-melt down. I started to feel weak and a true sense of hopelessness. I was doubting myself and my ability to do this. I was thinking of some serious issues I've dealt with in the last few years and I had to tell myself it's not OK to get so hung up on this.
I stepped outside of myself and spoke to myself for the first time in a long time. I couldn't reach for food (I'd slowly gotten rid of all the food in the house) and I couldn't/ wouldn't reach for anyone else. I comforted myself and offered myself solutions to changing my perspective and my mood. Of course I asked how can you get your mind off of this... and I was so excited to find a cutesy French Film Toi et Moi on netflix to distract me for a bit. I chose this film randomly because Marion Cotillard is in it and I liked her in A Very Long Engagement but I was pleased to find violins, cellos, a silly love story magazine, folks caught up in quietly complicated romances and true love discoveries wrapped up in a sweet and brightly colored flick. So I gave myself a break. I did something that would please me, drank my senna tea and I rested.
In the morning the thoughts that had been bothering me slowly eased off and I lay in bed reading Alice's Adventures In Wonderland by Lewis Carroll. What a curiosity that book is!? It makes me want to know more about who Lewis Carroll was and how did his imagination manifest such a story. I also wonder if he was using the entire book as symbolism to speak about his time, environment, folks he knew. I am definitely going to be doing some deeper reading about this book and reading the book that follows Through the Looking Glass.
Then I had a great phone date with my good friend and we started to talking about our week and what we'd been up to and it was during this conversation that a couple of things happened. My friend commented on how good and upbeat I sounded despite having had a rough time the night before and I realized that I did feel good. I felt calm, safe and clear about where I was at.
I realized what "happened" to me or rather what was happening to me. I was being shown by that experience and many more throughout the day some of my behaviors and thought patterns. I learned that I often reach for food out of boredom and not always our of a desire to satisfy true hunger. Why was I reaching for food? What places inside of myself was I not filling up with other activities, ideas, actions, movements, art, music, reading, information, water? Food gives me energy to live and satisfies many sensory pleasures. It also represents so many cultural experiences and family memories. I have many reasons to love and appreciate the energy and pleasure that Food provides for me. But I have to recognize when I misuse/abuse food, when I am filling up on it and not actually FULFILLING myself. When the look, taste, feel, smell and sometimes sound (popcorn), isn't what I need but to look at a situation, feel whatever it is I am feeling and experience it. No diversions from what I am experiencing. Being present and handling it with the tools I have.
In my heart I realized that I have often reached for other people and abused the pleasure and energy they provided as a distraction to more challenging emotions that I was facing when I should have stepped outside of myself, listened and use these powerful tools I have inside to transform my perspective and outlook. I want to have folks in my life for the dynamic ways we connect and foster each others growth not to fill any empty places I might have. How do we truly feed each other?
I have not eaten in 8 days - that's amazing to me. I have survived with energy and vibrancy this entire time. I am continuously having a conversation with myself about what my physical hunger pangs really mean. Most of the time I reached for food I probably wasn't hungry for food but for some other thing. What those things are have been surprising and sweet to discover - like wanting to learn new languages, to play the cello, saxophone, to write, to speak with a friend, to be understood, to be close, to make love, to take a walk, to feel freed up, to let go of old fears, to sing, to learn about herbs and plants, to read more newspapers, to write a blog, to write in my book of charms, to make collages for friends, to work harder, to find new socks, to get fancy underwear, to read more books, to learn about love, life, healing my spirit and heart and can I say to be actively engaged in creating my life. To sew, to have flowers and plants, to get a fish ( cuz I am enjoying fish-sitting for my neighbor), to be more kind, more loving, more forgiving, less angry, to love myself with such compassion that I shock myself by discovering a kind of unconditional love that lies deep in my cellular memory, to know my family so we are as close as can be, to not use the phone so much - but to call folks to let them know I care, to eat more fruits and vegetables, drink more water, try foods I never tried before, go camping, kayaking, look up to the sky and see if I can see more birds, not be afraid of the dark, shovel my own snow, learn how to drive, write more letters, cook fabulous meals, make more art, paint and spray paint! make more stuff myself, resist bullshit. to teach, TO NOT BE AFRAID OF MY CREATIVE SELF.
I'm hungry for me.
To allow myself to be. To love myself more than I have been afraid of being whoever it is I am at any given moment.
My dear friend once said to me, as much energy as you've put into being afraid that you will be left or rejected you should put into believing you are loved and into pulling towards you what you truly desire...
this is hunger - calling towards you what you truly desire. knowing what will fulfill you.
i have so much to learn, feel, do, say, think, cry about, laugh about, be.
The cleanse lasts 10 days and then I have to ease myself back into eating over a four day period... thinking about this makes me wonder what I will return to, what will no longer satisfy me, and the change that is coming...
I love this song and it's been playing throughout the cleanse. It's a true love song and I share it with you. Peace
Soon Come,
Bekezela
Steel Pulse: Your House
A live clip of Your House
and an extra treat.. No Weapons: Steel Pulse and Damian Marley
brilliant.profound.tender and thunderous.human.
